one head, one heart, one girl. the end.
Definitely feeling sick and anxious. If everyone could cross their fingers I’d appreciate it..
It’s a long time since I’ve felt like this.
I’ve never been more happy that I came out the other side.
I am amazed as to the physical effect that stress is having on me.
I cannot wait for this week to be over.
Cannot stop thinking about this stupid meeting.
I have a meeting in a week with the two staff partners from the two main departments at work.
I’m definitely feeling anxious.
I want to know if my colleague is going to be subjected to the same thing but there’s no way I can find out until Friday.
If anything new comes to light I might cry. I don’t want to go back to square one.
So these days I don’t really post much. I write ranty text posts even less. But today is different. This day, this week, feels like something I want and need to talk about. I want to remember this feeling.
For over a year I’ve known that a day would come when I would have to make a decision that would certainly define the next few years of my life, and possibly even the entirety of my career. Not until recently did I know it would come so soon.
But time was redundant; I knew what to do. My decision was not without question or doubt, that much could never be denied, but I had made one. I had made a choice.
In truth I had made a decision months ago. It became an expectation, and in the end a simple fact. Strangely, I would later find out that the expectation was not just my own. Why that is the case remains one of those questions that nags at me occasionally, although I can assure you I have many more of a more prominent nature.
The short version of my story can almost be summed up now by quoting a lyric I used to love:
Expectations will not be held as high.
Shame I don’t like short stories.
I could never have prepared myself for the last 48 hours or so. My life almost feels like it has been turned upside down because of the discomfort I have felt. But now that I begin to come to terms with it, I say with some hesitation, I am happy (although that is not to say I wouldn’t have been happy otherwise).
In all honesty, all it took was one person, and one conversation, to really change my mind. Without that, I would never have known the support or belief that lay in front of me.
She (why is it always a woman?) said a lot that shocked me, and it is from those words that my curiosities and nagging questions stem. Why me? What does she see? What is there? What have I shown in 5 short months that can possibly be enough?
I don’t know the answers, but they must be out there somewhere. “I want to work with you further” she told me; “I want to convince you to stay.” “She’s always singing your praises” I was told today, by others. “‘She’s bright.’” But surely that’s not it? Surely that’s not enough?
Don’t get me wrong, despite all the questions and all the doubt that must be displaying through them, shock is not the only emotion I feel. I am proud, I am flattered, I am honoured, privileged, ‘blessed’ even. I suppose I just don’t understand.
To have the support of someone, and someone who is so decisive, important and, most of all, inspirational is incredible. I cannot describe how lucky I feel. And I’m so aware that it could have been so easy to never know, to follow the path I felt destined to follow, blindly as it may have been.
I know that my chance is rare; I know that I would be a fool not to take it. So I have taken it, and what amazes me the most is the acceptance I have felt within myself and from others. “I’m glad you’re staying.” I hope those words will stay with me a long time, and I hope that they are true.
What I hope for most, though?
That I won’t feel regret.
That I won’t miss the acceptance and friendship I felt elsewhere.
That I haven’t let anyone down.
The opportunity I have may be the only one I ever get to really be somebody.
Now I have to forget what has happened before and look forward - to the future I have given myself, and the future that she has given to me already.
Amy MacDonald - An Ordinary Life (via takingliberties)
"your hair is soft like a cabbage"